Denial

I don’t want to admit that I’m depressed. I’ve always felt like admitting it will make it worse. It will be able to hit me full on once I acknowledge its presence. Denial allows me to pretend that everything’s fine, for as  long as I can keep myself convinced.

I’ve gotten used to it for the most part, and I don’t want to complain about it. It really isn’t a big deal and I’m coping well. The part that gets me hurt and angry is that I don’t laugh. It makes me feel guilty when people show me something funny, and I don’t laugh. I try to fake it but I don’t always do a good job.

I just realized what might have triggered me.

Last night I was watching some law show with my aunt and uncle. Criminal Minds maybe? There are too many to keep track of. Anyway, a younger girl was being questioned about a man she worked with.

“Walter is not exactly the poster boy for mental health; bipolar, doesn’t take his meds. He said he didn’t like the way they.. ‘made him feel.’ Nevermind how it made anyone else feel when he was off them.”

That struck a cord with me. For the past couple years I’ve wondered if I should be on medication. I always want to do what I ‘should’ do. But in cases where what that ‘should’ is eludes me, I get frustrated. My reasoning for staying off medication is that I have the ability to be happier- to feel more. Having such strong emotions makes life dull when they are gone. I thought that this is a part of my life where I’m allowed to put myself first, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I AM being selfish. Maybe it’s not worth what I put people through. Who knows? I wish I did.

I thought about Stephen tonight. We haven’t talked in two weeks now. Not because we had a fight or anything, he just stopped contacting me. I want to say that if liked me enough he’d contact me. On one hand that sounds harsh to me, but on the other it only takes a second to send a text message. I have tried to make excuses for him but they don’t hold up. He has proven to me that he doesn’t care as much as he needs to. So I guess that’s it.. And I’m just going to try not to think about it.

Try not to think about how I thought he was the one.. or how we seemed to complement each other’s personalities perfectly.

It’s not a big deal and it is for the best. It is in my best interest, and I’ve been trying to make better decisions for myself lately. So I can handle it.

Last tangent, I swear! I just reasoned out how I should feel about this situation. I’ve noticed that sometimes I do this, and talk myself into thinking that’s how I really feel, because it would be irrational not to feel that way. But maybe that isn’t how I really feel… hm. I’ve learned a lot from this! Thanks for listening, computer screen.

I think I used to pride myself on being humble,

but now I realize that wasn’t real humility.

I thought that if I did humble things I would be humble, but it didn’t work as well as I thought it did.

I feel so silly just now realizing this. I mean, I probably was humble to an extent. But the little bit that I had before has slowly drifted away and I’m back in “I’m better than everyone else” land. I hate it, it sucks, but that’s where I am right now. Working on it.

But even back then, I don’t think I was as humble as I thought I was. I liked the idea of it. It seemed beneficial to me in a way. But the change didn’t stick because that weed wasn’t pulled from the root. I thought changing my outward actions was enough, but I needed to change my heart. I have to actually believe that I am nothing in comparison to God. I’ll get there.

(Source: verbumcarofactumest, via sweetandlovelygirl7)

And we can leave our valuables unattended in public for days and no one touches them.

just-like-zeus:

I’m pretty sure I attend the only college in the US where I’m kept up not by drunk people, but by the sounds of people playing frisbee. What a strange place.

(Source: closertothelost, via themorningstars)

Stephen asked me where I would want to live,

if I could live anywhere in the world.

I told him that I’d live in Africa.

He asked why. 

I’m tired of living in poverty. Mother Teresa said, “The spiritual poverty of the Western World is much greater than the physical poverty of our people.” I see this poverty, and I know it is selfish of me to want to run away to a poverty that seems easier to handle, but it’s tempting. Feeding people physically is easier than spiritually. Where there are real problems, there is less time for the stupid problems I get sick of in America. I hate worrying about what I’m going to wear, wearing make-up, looking nice, being proper and appropriate. I am sad for those who don’t think of much other than their weight. Every meal is excruciating and the world ends if they can’t go to the gym. These are not things that should matter. None of them have any weight on Reality.

I want to have problems that matter. I want to help people who have problems that matter. Of course the better attitude would be to say all people’s problems matter. I’m just annoyed with the ones I see right now. 

It would be easier to run away. But maybe the better thing to do is try to help the poverty of my own first. 

The spiritual poverty of America bothers me, but the task is at hand to show people what matters. 

I’m not ready for it yet. I’m still annoyed. Hopefully God will open my heart to understanding, and work through me to help them. We’ll see. 

It’s 3 am!

That means I turn into a monster and start clawing at things and making hissing sounds, disturbing the few around me who are studying.

And I also start laughing out loud. Because there’s a guy sleeping on the couch. And I think waking up in public might be funny. hee hee.

RAwwererarrrrrr hisssssdfrarrrrrwrrrrr.

Back to writing about Nicaragua…

• *Hears noises at night*: Well this is it this is the end for me I had a good life
• *Gets shampoo in my eyes*: I guess I'm blind now how am I going to go on
• *Heart is beating fast*: I think I am having a heart attack is this what cardiac arrest is
• *A cop walks by*: Here I go about to get arrested I probably murdered someone
• *Taking a test*: Don't take your eyes off of this paper you will get caught cheating and get kicked out of school
• *Gets a sunburn*: Skin cancer

 Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it, “For I did not speak of my own accord” -John 12:49

(Source: canv.as, via sweetandlovelygirl7)

I love my job :)

1. Getting paid is so exciting. 

When I get paid in a week, the money in my savings will double. 

AND. I’ve already made 100 in the last week. 

I am tempted to quit the dish room for the 2.5 hours Saturday mornings. But it gets me up to 18.5 hours a week, and the school will pay us for up to 20. 

I’ll have to take off a couple shifts for finals, but maybe I could pick up a Sunday night to make up for it! 

I’m crazy. I know. But I love it! 

2. I love the people.

There is drama and gossip and back-stabbing, but I don’t have any enemies. I love all of them. 

We joke around, and laugh, and it’s awesome.

3. I love seeing my friends while I work.

4. I love eating deserts in the bakery while I work (this should have been #1). 

I live for warm cookies. 

Yea, I have a TON of other stuff to do. More assignments due in the next week than I can count. Then finals. But I am excited by the challenge. It will work out and it will be great. 

Didn’t get the Frostburg Job

Oh well! I don’t have time to worry about it now. I’ll probably start looking again during finals. (Because for Ed majors, finals are easier than the month before finals). Or casually while we’re in Florida. I know the sooner I start looking the better, but I really can’t think about it right now. No time! Research, then work, then group project, the read while gym maybe? then shower, then sleep, then wake up… you know how it goes. Can’t complain :)

breakyourknees:

iam3rd:

Oh, ykno… just a photo of Mark Wahlberg walking a sister across the street.

I thought it was post-worthy.

Wait what

(via sweetandlovelygirl7)